In Italy and in Love

Italy - the land of love, museums, and pasta! What a convenient time to be gluten free, but more importantly, what a wonderful time to be in love. A lot of emotion, discovery, change, and trust has helped me get here. And not just to the airport three hours early, anxiously awaiting the first leg of my flight to Dublin and then to Milan. Here. An independent, confident, masters graduate, young woman who longs to experience the world. 

On May 17, 2017, I graduate from Columbia School of Social Work with my Masters in Social Work. For the first time in my life, I had no plan. After graduating from the University of Vermont in 2014, I joined the Peace Corps and moved to Botswana for two years. A year ago, I completed my service and moved to New York to start graduate school. The planner that I am expected to have it all figured out before May 17th. I was wanted a job, an apartment where I could start putting down roots, a great workout routine, extracurricular activities. I longed for normalcy, and my life was anything but this. I felt like my world was falling apart, not knowing what each new day would bring. I got sucked down the rabbit hole of applying for jobs day after day without coming up for a breath of fresh air. I spent a great deal of energy attempting to stay in tact and focused. I found it took my whole being to embrace the uncertainty and the ambiguity life had in store for me. Part of this process of embracing the uncertainty included buying a ticket to Italy. 

I've had countless adventures, some of them alone and some of them with a travel partner. I couldn't be more excited to be sharing Italy with Teis. Teis... what an unexpected surprise. It's been 59 days since I've seen my boyfriend of roughly 6 months (depending on how you want to count it), and I couldn't be more excited to break this two month streak by reuniting tomorrow in Italy.

After Sam and I broke up, I was ready to be single and mingle. I downloaded some dating apps (and then immediately deleted most of them) to see what was out there. While Tinder was a self-beauty confidence boost, in the long run, I knew it would only lower the confidence that relies on inner strength and beauty. There are many facets of the self, and while some dating apps helped reinforce my positive body image, I knew the constant shallowness in conversation and connection that Tinder provided would only lower my inner strength - something I've worked hard to achieve during my two years in Peace Corps. The primary app I used was Coffee Meets Bagel, and Teis was the first guy that extended beyond the typical dating app "relationship:" texting banter for a few days, trying to align our schedules, and finally allowing the conversation and potential relationship to disappear. Teis was different. He was confident, funny, and engaging. Needless to say, I was very intrigued and drawn to him.

We went on our first date before he left for a two week work trip in Senegal. It was three weeks until I saw him again, and after that, a beautiful relationship began to flourish. By our third date, we couldn't be apart from each other. We had the type of connection that keeps you up until 1am talking about anything and everything you can think of, with total disregard for time commitments the following morning and the necessity of sleep. The kind of connection where you would sit on the subway for an extra hour after a long day of class or work just to be with them, even if it meant sleeping for a few hours and getting up to start the day again. For the first several months of dating, we resisted commitment. We started dating knowing that he would be traveling in Europe for two months this summer and that I had no idea where I would be past May. We had an expiration date, but decided to live in the moment, take it one day at a time, and continue seeing each other. A few months of spending every night together made it clear that we didn't want to be dating anyone else and that a label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" wasn't going to change anything in how we felt about each other or the time we would spend together. Again, who knew what the future would hold, but what we did know is that we wanted the other to be part of it.

I first told Teis I loved him on May 18th. It was the day after he met all the family for my graduation, and he hadn't gone running for the hills. This was a good sign. Teis has a rule where he won't say "I love you" until he's thought it at least three times. On his birthday in early May, Teis got a little tipsy and extremely playful. Tipsy Teis is a lot of fun. Take his fun, energetic, loving personality and multiply it by 20 after a few drinks. It's great. And of course tipsy Teis decided to discuss the meaning of love. He told me about his three time rule and that by this time, he had already thought it countless times. What has been so beautiful and refreshing about my relationship with Teis is that I feel like we are almost always on the same page. Once again, I was right there with him - I was falling hard and fast for Teis, and I was almost certain I was in love. We decided not to say it just yet because it was a conversation that I wanted to have completely sober.

For the next two weeks, I really tried to get down to what love means to me. I thought about past relationships and what those felt like and even read articles about love. When my mom came to visit for graduation, she saw through the walls I was putting up. She recognized my resistance based on past hurt and challenged me to trust in the beautiful relationship I had with Teis. She was brutally honest and told me to stop denying it because I was most certainly in love. This was evident because every chance I would get, I would talk about Teis and our future. I have a lot of love to share with the world, and I want to share this love with Teis. Telling Teis I love him has done nothing but provide strength and happiness to our relationship. 

So here I am, in love and (almost) in Italy.

Homeward Bound

All too early I woke up and walked my mom to the train stop. It was a sad, emotional goodbye. I tried my best not to break down in tears, which was no easy task. My mom was heading straight back to California and I to Vermont. I would not see her again until November when I come home for Thanksgiving break. Emotions flooded my mind making it challenging to say the words I wanted to. Everything came out a jumbled mess and our conversation was a blur. I hardly remember the words exchanged because a pang of loss was all that remained as I hugged her goodbye one last and final time

I'm not much for goodbyes, and today appeared as though it would be full of them. I was painfully reminded of what it is like to be an adult. In just a few more hours I would be returning to Vermont after a summer of bliss. I would be returning to working several jobs, paying the bills, cleaning the apartment, and the never ending list of worrisome tasks adults deal with on a daily basis. Although I have been functioning with these responsibilities for the past few years, this sudden parting revealed my inner girl. Whenever my mom is around, whether I'm 20, 40, or 65, I'll always turn into the little girl growing up that looked up to her mother, always striving to be just like her, and still seeking her support. Trapped in a powerful state of emotion such as this, the best option was to just go back to sleep and forget my worries. The only reason I could justify going back to sleep was because the sun had just barely peeked out from behind the metro station. This would be the last sunrise I would enjoy in Copenhagen. It still took my breath away, the same it had my first time seeing the sun come up, more accurately, the first time staying out until the sun came up.

My second awakening was groggy and slow. I gathered my belongings and prepared for the day ahead. I continued to ignore the bubbling lonely feeling that was bound to resurface. I did this by getting lost in someone else's story. Books are a great way to avoid what is right in front of you and to get lost in the emotions of someone more courageous to take on the day. Some may accuse me of hiding from what's in front of me, I would prefer to call this expanding my vocabulary through literature.

Without my partner in crime, I wasn't sure what to do with my day. There was still so much of Copenhagen I wanted to see and even more that I wanted to share with my mom. Instead of cramming my day full of new adventures, I couldn't help but find comfort in the places I've frequently visited. You guessed it, I went to the Living Room. Afterall, if I'm going to perfectly replicate the now famous goat cheese sandwich back in the States, I might as well have it one last time.

I spent my afternoon and final hours in Copenhagen at the Living Room working on my blog. A sandwich and a smoothie kept me in the groove and I typed with lightening speed. I spent all afternoon diligently writing in the hopes that I would be relatively caught up. Today was not my day. With the click of a button and the horrible mistake of believing my work was saved, I closed out of my document. Within seconds I knew what I had done, erasing at least one day's worth of writing. Steam blew out of my ears. At that point it didn't matter anymore, anything I go could get to fuel my angry fire would suffice. The temperature in the room wasn't right, my hair wasn't falling comfortably, and my shoes were fitting a little to tight. There was a general sense of discomfort which could only be caused by my awful mistake.

There was nothing else I could do at that point except restart all that had been erased. I struggled to remember the details and became so frustrated that I had to get up and leave for the airport. It wasn't an ideal way to leave Copenhagen, but it was all I could do, save having a mental break down in the middle of the Living Room.

With frustration and anger stewing, I attempted to turn the day around through the use of karma. Some days I belive in karma and other days I figure it's a big hoax, but at this point I was willing to invest in any good wishes I could come across. I had two left over bus passes that I would never get the chance to use, so I decided to give them to a random woman I met at the Metro. This didn't bring back my lost blog post, but it sure felt good. My frustration slowly disappeared, well at least most of it.

After making it through security at the airport and down the long hallways to the correct terminal, I found the gate closed. I was in desperate need of an outlet to charge my laptop and phone one last time, so I walked over to the gate next door. I found myself sitting at the Istanbul gate, in the Copenhagen airport, waiting for my flight back to the United States. I was half tempted to extend my trip and sneak onto the Istanbul flight, but remembered my obligations back home. My time in Europe came full circle and it finally sank in that I would be starting my final year of college as a new woman.

We landed in the United States and I already missed Denmark, ready to go back! Studying abroad this summer was the adventure of a lifetime and I have a new perspective of the world because of this experience. It was very strange to land in the states and turn my cell phone on for the first time in two months. Everything I needed was once again at the touch of a button. It is interesting that turning on my phone was one of the first things I did instead of looking around, being thankful for an easy flight, or chatting with my neighbor. When I landed in Denmark I didn't have the same crutch to rely on. I've been slowly easing away from relying on my phone, but it is still so interesting to me that these are the staples in our daily life.

These past two months have enabled me grow and change on several different levels. I have a newfound sense of independence, living, cooking, and surviving on my own. I can safely navigate through the most difficult systems of public transportation. I have observed the impact and influence of cultural differences, while respecting cultural norms. I have opened my heart to the possibility of future relationships.

The brief, but intense feelings I had for Mads opened my eyes to what it was like to deeply care about someone. For the first time in two years since the serious break-up with my high school sweetheart, I was reminded of how it felt to long for someone. A relationship with Mads may not be realistic and it may not be forever, but it was just what I needed to put the peices back together. Nothing is ever broken, it is just waiting to be fixed. 

I end this European journey a changed woman immensely thankful for the opportunity to grow culturally and personally. This summer was filled with excitment, anxiety, fears, and happiness. I'm just waiting and hoping for the chance to continue my exploration of this beautiful planet we all too often forget to stop and enjoy. 

Welcome Back to Copenhagen

I woke up to a camera lens staring me straight in the face while hanging 15 feet in air and unable to escape the awkward photos. I was too tired to move and too secure in the harness to turn the other direction and hide my face. As a result, my mom took photo after photo of me sleeping. I attempted to go back to sleep for a few more minutes, but soon enough Robin was below us saying breakfast was ready. I had woken up a few times in the middle of the night attempting to get comfortable; as a result, I didn't feel as refreshed and awake as I would have liked.

After throwing our sleeping bags over the edge, we had to climb down the rope. I was surprisingly sore from the day before and thankful that I had to go down the rope instead of up. We quickly packed up the sleeping bags, backpack, and camping equipment so we didn't have to hike back up the hill to do this after breakfast. Robin told us that he had breakfast prepared at the bottom of the hill by the lake, so off we went. Once again, I was glad we were walking down the hill instead of up, gravity was certainly in our favor this morning.

We approached the little lake and found a miniature table set up covered in bread, cheese, dried salted pork, jam, and cream cheese. The table was just one of those 18 gallon storage boxes covered by a table cloth creating the perfect morning atmosphere. We positioned ourselves on the opposite side of the table so we could look out over the lake with trees to our left and cow pastures on our right. As I was waiting for the instant coffee to brew I started with a slice of gluten free bread with cream cheese later adding some jam and the other cheese to add to the flavor. I was anxiously waiting for the coffee to finish so I could really start my morning. I took a few nibbles here and there, but I needed some liquid to wash it down. When the coffee finished I was overwhelmed by its strong flavor. I had never had such strong coffee in my life and I now know why the word tar is oftentimes used when referring to coffee. Whether it was coffee or black tar, it sure did the trick and I instantly gained more energy.

Now that I was a little less blurry eyed and a little more awake I was able to enjoy my surroundings. To the right we found two interested cows approaching the fence. They mooed as we enjoyed the sunrise, they mooed as we enjoyed our breakfast, and then it appeared that they just kept mooing for the fun of it. I wonder if the insistent mooing was a plea for food or just a means of annoying unknown travelers. Either way, it was all part of the experience. I was half tempted to give the cows a name and start mooing back, but I resisted the urge.

We finished up our breakfast and packed up what was left of our camping adventure. We had a plane to catch, so we had to start our drive to the airport. En route I realized brushing my teeth was a necessity. I had never had such bad mittens covering my teeth and I was starting to get paranoid that before we reached the airport the plaque would completely devour my teeth leaving nothing but cavities. I wasn't able to brush my teeth the night before because I didn't want to risk not being able to climb back up the tree, not to mention I was so tired that it slipped my mind. We attempted to get off the freeway looking for a place to stop and managed to get lost on back roads throughout the city. The roads were too small to turn around and it seemed that every turn we made was a wrong turn. I was anxious about getting to the airport, brushing my teeth, returning to the states the following day, and combined with the little sleep I had the night before created a recipe for disaster. I finally had to take a deep breath and place trust in my mom that we would find our way out of the city, find a bathroom, and make it to the airport on time. Sure enough, and after much headache, we found a bathroom, brushed our teeth, and continued on our way.

Airplanes and airports stress me out. Growing up in California and going to school in Vermont has forced me to fly more than I would have liked over the past few years. I actually like flying, but not when you are running between gates, missing your flight, and losing your luggage. Fortunately this short flight was relatively painless. Apart from getting to our gate early and having to find some way to kill the time, everything ran smoothly. In the United States I've become accustom to airports being slow and frustrating, but once again I think Europeans just know how to travel much better than Americans.

To pass the time until our plane took off we had lunch which was an overpriced salami and cheese panini and a coffee. We sat next to the cafe where we bought our food because they had a nice waiting area with huge couches. For the rest of our wait we played cribbage and read while taking advantage of the comfortable chairs. Soon enough it was time to board our plane to Dusseldorf and then on to Copenhagen after the quick stop.

It was fairly late by the time we arrived back in Copenhagen, took the train to the right stop, and actually managed to find where the hostel was located. We had just enough time to check in, freshen up, and spend one last night on the town. The past week and a half ran relatively smooth. There were times that we didn't book the hostel until the night before and one day where we were in different rooms, but even then everything turned out fine. Of course our last night stay would be the most challenging and frustrating of all reservations. When I was attempting to find a hostel in Copenhagen I had several different internet pages pulled up on my laptop. I was checking prices before finally deciding on Generator Copenhagen. By the time I decided to make a reservation the page timed out and I had to refresh the site before moving forward with the reservation. I quickly moved through the steps and made the reservation under the assumption that all my imformation remained the same. It wasn't until after I clicked sumbit that I realized I reserved two beds for July 21st rather than July14th. How I didn't catch this mistake beats me, so I just booked another night for the 14th rather than attempting to change the room when there may no longer be any availability. I emailed the reservations help address who quickly responded requesting that I needed to contact the hostel directly.

Tired and ready to shower, we walked upstairs to check in and barley came second in line behind a huge family with a complicated reservation. As I waited and waited to check in I looked around the room. It appeared as though most of the people staying in the hostel were in their 20s and 30s, but the group in front of us were mainly in their 60s or 70s. Nothing against older adults, but if you are looking for a nice, quiet place to stay with your family, a hostel is most likely not the place for you. I couldn't help but wonder how some of the older adults were going to climb up onto a bunk bed to sleep or how they would respond after finding they would be sharing a room with a group of rowdy boys as they came stumbling in at 5am totally drunk (which is exactly who we ended up sharing a room with).

It was finally my turn to talk to the reception desk. I asked about my previous reservation and said that the email suggested I cancel the reservation in person. The man at the reception said I needed to do this via email, so back to my computer I went. I pulled up my email and visited the desk a few more times to clarify any necessary details. I was tired of going back and forth and it appeared that no one knew what to do with my reservation. Finally, the first person I emailed said she would cancel the reservation. That probably would have been nice to know when I emailed her the first time, but I'm just glad everything worked itself out.


At this point I was beyond ready to shower. Other than brushing my teeth earlier today, I didn't have the chance to freshen up in well over 24 hours and I was ready to wash off all the grime from the past few days. I spent what felt like an hour in the shower washing every inch of my body. It's been a long time since I've been this grateful for an endless supply of hot water.

For our last night in Europe, we decided to have a nice dinner at Nyhavn, something I've wanted to do since arriving in Copenhagen. Stretching from Kongens Nytorv to the harbor, Nyhavn is a hustle and bustle district during the day with cafes, bars, and restaurants that flourish during the night. After spending extra time getting ready and moseying over to the canal, it was fairly late and most restaurants were closed or serving their last customers. Generally the restaurants on the canal were busy late into the night, but on a Sunday night things were settling down early. After stopping several times and asking numerous waitresses we were finally referred to Heering Restaurtant and Bistro.

Like every other meal we've had on this adventure, our dinner was fantastic and we practically licked the plate once we were finished. We shared the lamb crown with potato and horseradish gratin, slow baked carrots and beetroot topped with green pesto and the mixed green salad with apple, pear, grapes, pomegranate, and sweet chili sauce. Each dish was unique and full of varying flavors that combined to create the perfect bite each time. The lamb was cooked perfectly and displayed beautifully with the accompying potato, carrots, and beetroot. Good food, good company, beautiful sunset, there's no better way to spend my last night in Europe.

Waldseilgarten Höllschlucht

I would never get tired of waking up, looking out my window, and seeing a garden and beyond that, beautiful mountains. It was a hazy morning to begin with when I opened my eyes at 5am. The sun was beginning to come up and brightness flooded into our room. With the hopes of getting at least another hour of sleep, I got up to close the curtains and go back to bed. When I finally got up around 8am, the haze lifted and I could see marshmallow white clouds filling the blue sky above a garden of colors. I could have layed in bed to enjoy the view for hours, but we had places to go, people to see.

I threw on comfortable clothes and went downstairs for breakfast. Who ever came up with the idea of having a bed and breakfast was brilliant. We sat in the sun room and enjoyed a light breakfast, once again enjoying the garden view.


By 10am we were out the door and continuing our journey. Our final big adventure of the trip was visiting Waldseilgarten Höllschlucht, a climbing forest. Waldseilgarten Höllschlucht offers an extensive ropes course, archery, hiking, trails, and an overall serene atmosphere. You can walk along the paths and sit in the rocking chairs while children are flying through the trees above your head.

After parking the car it was a five minute walk to the main cabin and ropes course. We arrived around 10:30am and were geared up and ready to start by 11am. It was tricky getting directions in English explaining how to put the harness on and what to do with the carabiners, but with a little practice we managed to get it.

From 11am until 2pm we tackled the ropes course. The course was designed to start out small with boards and swings that were only a foot off the ground. When you are suspended while walking on shaking objects like ropes, boards, and ladders, even a foot off the ground seems scary. As the course progresses, you get higher and higher off the ground until reaching the courses so high that you must zip line to the finish.

Soon enough we found ourselves walking on wires, jumping from rope to rope, scaling the side of a wall, and even jumping through the air to the next platform. The whole time placing our trust in a wire and some carabiners. With the slow increase of height and difficulty, I found myself at least 20 feet in the air. What once would have felt like 100 feet was a piece of cake and I continued on with no fear.

I was incredibly proud of my mom that day. This is the same person whose knees were buckling the day before because I was sitting on a wall with a short drop behind me. I figured she would give the ropes course an honest effort, but I was almost positive the fear of heights would limit her participation. I never expected her to be neck and neck with me to the very end. At the start of some courses she even opted to go first and proceeded with what appeared to be no fear. Being on the ropes course with my mom was an incredible bonding experience and I can't even begin to describe her bravery in tackling her fears. When we finally took a break it wasn't because of the fear of heights, but from pure muscle exhaustion.

I was using my phone as a camera which remained safely in my pocket for the majority of the day. My sweatshirt had a zippered pocket that ensured its' safety, but I would occasionally give it to my mom to take an awkward picture of me attempting to make my way through the obstacle courses. I got some incredible pictures of my mom proving that she was overcoming her fear of heights and the past few courses I was able to video my mom on the zip line. A particular favorite was when she only made it halfway across the river. She had been holding onto the wrong rope that created friction, stopping her in her tracks, rather than smoothly delivering her across the water. I did eventually pull her to the other side, but getting plenty of pictures as she was dangling helplessly.


I decided to trust my mom with the phone in order to get a video of me zip lining to the end. At the edge of the platform I was nervous before eventually taking the leap of faith and zip lining across the river, landing safely on the other side. With my heart pounding, I release my harness and carabiners from the wire while hearing my moms say, "you're going to hate me." I couldn't possibly imagine ever hating my mom, so I was curious why this comment was made. As she zip lines after me, I'm told that the video wasn't actually recording when she thought it was. My mom has the same phone as me with the same recording device, so I figured she would know how to use it, apparently I was mistaken. The two second video of my mom pressing record after I'm at the bottom was priceless, and I couldn't help but laugh. There was still one more ropes course to complete, and with a little direction and a lot of luck we managed to get a video. 

While taking a break we met with Robin, the person who would be teaching us how to camp while hanging from a tree. He still had some equipment to set up and food to buy, so we got a snack and continued with the ropes course. We had cheese, bread, and fruit to give us that second boost of energy.

We had been increasing difficulty through the courses, but it was surprisingly hard to jump in at one of the most challenging levels. The short break we had on the ground was enough of a reality check to remind me that we were still 20 feet above the ground and leaping through the air. If we delayed any longer before getting on the ropes, I'm not sure I would have had the energy or mental will to push myself forward. I didn't think too long or hard before attaching my harness to the wires and climbing the ladder. 

I'm afraid a ropes course in the United States wouldn't allow as much free play as Waldseilgarten Höllschlucht. Americans are too concerned about liability to allow children and adults to have independence and explore this type of outdoor activity on their own. I've been to several ropes courses in the United States and it feels like I'm being watched every second. I'm not able to put my own harness on, attach myself to the wires, and I'm certainly not left alone on the course. The point of signing a waiver before entering the course is to protect the company from accidents outside their control. It is a shame that these waivers in the states still don't completely protect a company from liability.

After my arms were aching from exhaustion and calluses were beginning to form on my hands, we learned how to climb a rope with nothing but a harness, rope ascenders, and a few more carabiners. Robin warned us not to wear out our arms on the ropes course in order to have the muscle capacity to ascend the rope. I had barley enough energy on reserve to complete the task. With the harness on and attached to the rope with a stopper, the hand grip would be pushed up then leg and arm muscles were used to pull myself up inch by inch. These slow, repetitive movements were used to ascend the rope. With a slight pull to the lever on the stopper, back down I went. We went up and down a number of times to get the hang of it before finding ourselves prepared for the night ahead. 

By the time we were done practicing climbing the rope, the park had closed and was slowly clearing out. While Robin made dinner, my mom and I played cribbage, a favorite card game of ours. I probably have the scores written down in my notebook, but for the sake of protecting all parties from embarrassment, the scores and winner will remain anonymous. We shared a terrific German beer, by "shared" I mean I drank the majority while my mom had two sips, and relaxed before dinner.


For dinner we had steak, grilled peppers, onions, tomatoes, and potato salad. Everything was fresh, flavorful, and provided us with the necessary nutrients to keep our bodies functioning after a long day of activities. The sun was quickly setting and we still had to drive to our sleeping area, so we packed up dinner and hit the road. We decided to take two cars because we could then leave straight for the airport in the morning. On the car ride over I felt all my muscles relaxing and preparing for slumber. We still had a labor intensive climb to our bed, so I couldn't get too comfortable just yet. After practicing climbing the rope, my anxiety about getting into the tree had diminished; however, I was still worried about falling out while sleeping. We aren't the first people to sleep in trees, so I'm sure they have considered these minor details.


Robin finally stopped on the side of the road next to a large field on a hillside. He told us we would be sleeping in a tree along the tree line across the field. The farmer that owns the land allows Waldseilgarten Höllschlucht to use the trees as long as we remain on the path and don't disturb the animals. It was a 15 minute walk up the hill and into the brush to the perfect tree that would give us a spectacular view of the field, mountains, and sunset. We helped Robin carry over the sleeping bags, backpacks, and various equipment. After helping set up to the best of our ability, Robin told us to go sit on the field and enjoy the sunset. We were either incredibly efficient in helping set up and did everything perfectly or Robin was better off with us out of the way, I'm going to stick with the former.



We sat on the grass considering what we would do with the rest of our night. The sun was just beginning to go down and the night was still young. We considered what might happen if we needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. There is a good possibility I would be able to descend safely in the night, but there is no way I would make it back up and would have to settle with finishing the night on the forest floor. I told my mom if she was going to pee off the side of the edge that she better not wake me up or tell me about it later because I just didn't want to know. More importantly, I would write it down and share it with the world, only adding another embarrassing story to share with friends and family.

We began climbing the rope to our platform of a bed. Robin was already in the tree setting everything up, and he soon beckoned for my mom to go up first. I observed the awkward movement of the platform and the ropes wondering how in the world either of us were going to make it on and actually remain up. Slowly, one pull and push at a time my mom managed to ascend the rope. After my mom took a few moments of repositioning to actually climb onto the platform, it was my turn. I found one last burst of energy and managed to speed up to rope. I don't know where the energy came from and I knew I would certainly crash very soon, but I did what I needed to in order to make it the last few inches and onto the platform. Robin instructed us that we would remain in our harnesses all night and provided tips of how we could make ourselves more comfortable. He told us where he would be sleeping across the way near the barn and with that we were on our own.


It took a few more awkward moments of repositioning, deciding on what direction to sleep, and getting our sleeping bags out and around us. I gave up changing into pajamas and decided to sleep in my smelly jeans and tshirt knowing I could freshen up early the next morning. I don't know why, but I expected to be awake and play cards or chat, but within 10 minutes of the sun setting I was fast asleep.



Just before falling asleep my body was exhausted, but my mind kept racing. My mom and I started talking about taking chances and not closing off to those around you. There is the obvious version of taking chances and challenging your fears like we did today on the obstacle course, but oftentimes people have deeper fears restricting them from fully participating in daily life. Our conversation was more geared towards these deep fears I have of opening up and letting someone else into my life. After being so hurt a few years back, it was hard to imagine letting anyone else in. I've spent a lot of this trip wondering about whether I'm being too cautious when dating and when this special person is going to come along. The past few days this has been on my mind and I could spend the next few days talking in circles with the same questions. There have been several opportunities for me to date some interesting people, but I still chose not to. It wasn't because I didn't like these people or that they weren't "the one," but instead I just didn't want to. I needed time to work on myself first before letting another person into my life. I need to be comfortable and confident with who I am, and only then will I be happy in a relationship, happy being single, or happy with my own life, whoever decides to come along for the journey.